Quinoa

Quinoa

Quinoa is the bomb.  Or it's more like teensy little bombs that once boiled, explode and release these cute little curly Q's.  It's yummy, nutritious and has a gentle nutty flavor, like brown rice or something.  Thus, no one in my family likes it but me.  Party poopers.

I have tried to prepare it several different ways, plain, with a southwestern twist, and formed into fried cakes.  They never like it.  "It tastes like crunchy dirt." My four year old would know, I am pretty sure she has eaten crunchy dirt.

Maybe, just maybe, if I try one of these recipes, my family will actually eat quinoa...doubt it.

 

 Wait, wait, I know, let's douse it slimy sauce, add chicken...

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Then sprinkle it with peas. (At my house, peas stand on their own. They are never, ever sprinkled over anything)

Oddly, enough, same recipe.

Perhaps I am going about quinoa entirely the wrong way.  I thought of it as a savory food, but perhaps if I add fruit...(cute fork!)

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Ah, no.  This blogger will be receiving an owl from the Department of Tragic Misuse of Otherwise Tasty Fruits.



I did find this cute little pin on Pinterest, so perhaps I ought to keep it simple. 

10 New Ways to Cook Quinoa

Totally Looks Like

Totally Looks Like

I have lately seen a few recipes pinned that "Totally Looks Like" something else.  You know what I am talking about right?  No?  Here is what I mean:

Find it here!

Or this classic:

Find it here!

I just laughed so hard, I nearly peed myself.  (After delivering four babies, they tell me that is normal.)  I am not a fan of Joel Osteen, no offense.  But here are a few foods that just made me chuckle in their resemblance to, well, other things!

Egg Salad Sammich: Totally Looks Like A JellyFish

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This Sausage Roll: Totally Looks Like Dobby from Harry Potter

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These Potatoes: Totally Look Like Scallops

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This, um,  Stuff: Totally Looks Like A Storm Trooper

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Chicken

Chicken.

I like chicken.  It's low fat, inexpensive, and very tasty.  It's a universal food, I guess, ever present in Mexican cooking, Chinese food, and you get what I am saying.  Where you pretty much never find chicken is in vegetarian/vegan food.  And this is why:

YUSS!  For funsies, you can sift through 40 different ways to make chicken.  Some look as amazing as they sound.  Some look horrific.  Sadly, the cover photo is just not appetizing hiding behind those tantalizing words.

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So this one came across my Pinterest feed so many times I just HAD to snag it.  It just a giant pile of chicken breasts.  Plop, plop, plop.

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Yes, they tell me this is chicken.  I was convinced it was a vegan dish, some sort of pumpkin or acorn squash.  But nope, that funky chunk is chicken.

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And just to prove that I truly cannot photograph anything better than the average blogger, here are some of my chickens.  Don't they look yummy?

Fluffy and Bam

Kale

Kale.

Kale, it's a leafy green if you didn't know.  It's very nutritious.  I actually like it, it's got a spinach like texture, does well in the juicer, and when it's cooked, it works like cabbage but not quite so strong in flavor.  But it does not photograph well.  Ever.  Here, let me show you.

Have you ever forgotten about a head of lettuce in the fridge? And when you found it, weeks later, it had turned into a watery, slimy mess?  You can achieve the same look by simply baking kale leaves!

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I am pretty sure I found a small pile of this in my chicken run this morning.  I started giving the chickens a new feed and this was the result.

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Now, at least this blogger tried to hide the slimy mess under some gorgeous tomatoes.  Sadly, it was not enough to hide the fact they skinned a certain Muppet to make their sandwich. 

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Poor Oscar, sacrificed for the love of Kale.

Kale the Grouch photo found here

Shrimp

Shrimp

Do you know that shrimp eat garbage?  No really, they are like the cockroaches of the sea, or something. They are not kosher.  (I cannot back that up.)  Not that I follow kosher dietary law, because I love me a cheeseburger.  Wait, stop, I must go to Wikipedia...

I admit, I am not unbiased when it comes to seafood.  I am not a big fan of seafood.  Unless you wrap it in rice, cover it with pickled ginger and dunk it wasabi and soy sauce.  Even then, I have my limits.

That said, I am unbiased in noting that pretty much every recipe I have seen on Pinterest using shrimp just looks like some scaly pink slug attacked a perfectly yummy plate. 

This had all the makings of a delightful plate. Asparagus: check. Gnocchi: check.  Pesto: check. Shrimp: no, no, please no! Take it away before the pink cockroaches get your gnocchi!!

 

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Now these folks had the courtesy to remove the little cockroach shrimp's tails.  So nice. But placing them atop of innocent bed of slimy avocado?  Cruel.

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Oh, I am just getting warmed up.  I have so much more shrimp.  Until then, enjoy this:




Finding Nemo: fish, they way they ought to be.

Ground Beef

Ground Beef. 

Ground beef.  Some say, it contains pink slime. By the looks of these recipes, I would not be surprised.




When pinning a recipe to Pinterest, I find it's best to pick the photo that makes the food look it's best.  Not everyone agrees.  Instead, they pin a slab of raw ground beef.  Looks like zombie food to me.

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Now this, this, looks like a Weight Watchers recipe card from the '70's.  Deeee-lish.

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Oh no!  Some body barfed on my lettuce!

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But, my oh my, the collection of meatloaf recipes I have pinned.  Just.  You.  Wait.

Eh tu, Bacon?

Bacon.

Bacon could be the world's most perfect food. It's salty and melts in your mouth. It's appropriate for breakfast, lunch or dinner.  You can wrap it around just about anything for a perfectly basted bit of awesomeness.

I (heart) bacon.  Unless it looks like this...

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Seems tasty until you can't photograph it well.

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Despite looking like a pile of internal organs, I'd make this.

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Mushrooms

Mushrooms.  Not just a fun-guy! 

 Mushrooms are "not my favorite".  My mother taught me this very useful phrase, "not my favorite". It means something like, "this food makes me want to barf, but I'm going say so politely."  I have taught my four children children to say this.  #3 still just says, "I hate this food."  She'll catch on.

Back to mushrooms.  They are NOT MY FAVORITE.  To me, they are like dirt-flavored Jell-o.  Which is kind of appropriate really.

Which brings me to one of my favorite collections of Pintresting Food Fails: mushrooms.

It's one thing that mushroom taste like dirt-flavored Jell-o, but it's another thing to actually encapsulate mushroom in dirt-colored Jell-o.

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I feel bad for home-chef-food-bloggers.  Not only do most have no photography skills, but they have no food styling skills. So when they make a saucy dish, it looks like baby poop to me.  (I also do not possess said skills, but I am perfectly capable of making fun of said bloggers, so there.)

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Have you ever found an enclave of snails under your landscaping? No? This is what is looks like.

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Sorry to offend the more sensitive of sentiments, but these are just phallic.  And gross.

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And then I saw this, sweet respite.  Good for something mushrooms!

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The Cutest Little Foods on Pinterest

Cutest Little Foods on Pinterest

Sundays are reserved for finding the cutest little foods on Pinterest.  This celebrates food well prepared and well photographed. Yay!

Hot dog bears!

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Easter is coming!

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Hello, Panda!

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Stuffed Peppers

Stuffed Peppers.

No one likes these.  Trust me.  The filling is usually a tasteless combination of rice and ground beef, covered in a layer of melted cheese.  The bowl is a soggy, mushy pepper.

Now if you are going to "pin" a Stuffed Pepper recipe, at the very least, pin an appetizing photo.  Not like these:

Oh you poor pepper!  Someone even put a hat on your soggy head and you still look awful!

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See, I told you...melted, cheesy and bonus: bad lighting.

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Did someone stuff these with cinnamon raisin oatmeal?

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OMG, I am really making an effort to find a "pin" of an appetizing looking stuffed pepper, really, I am.

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Oh no!  These have a massive, festering head wound, somebody stop the bleeding!

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Finally, a well photographed stuffed pepper recipe...that I still will probably NEVER make.

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What is a "Pinteresting Food Fail"?

Where I nabbed this photo

C'mon folks!  We all know why websites like Pinterest exist.  It's a virtual visual orgy of photography.  Women, and some men, gather these photos or "pins" to a collection or "board".  Most organized women (and some men) give their boards useful title such as "Recipes" or "Crafts I'll Try".  Others just use the generic board names given by Pinterest.

I confess, I have a collection of boards and pins.  I adore Pinterest.  I have found many great ideas on Pinterest.  Oh the recipes I have tried!  Oh the recipes that I have failed.  But then, there are those bonus recipes, the ones that I will never try because they just look horrid.

Sadly, some food just does not photograph well.  This blog is dedicated to recipe and food photo failures that I have found on Pinterest.

(Pinterest Tutorial)